Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
