she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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