I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
