Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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