omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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