mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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