i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
