I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
