I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
