i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
