So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
