me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
