he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
