last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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