i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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