i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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