i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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