i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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