Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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