I think I died a long time ago.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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