im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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