Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
