I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
