you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
