if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
