New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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