8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
