I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
