sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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