if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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