ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I want to fling myself into the sun
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
