Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
