Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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