there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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