she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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