I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
