we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
