woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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