I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
