you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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