Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
