Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
