Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
