Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
