it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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