In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
