just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
