the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's never too late to be topless.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
