Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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