Cold hands, warm shart.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need to calm my uterus...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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