We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
